The two emails below have only been edited to protect the privacy of individuals as well as minor corrections to grammar and spelling. As I have mentioned before, I have not obtained the consent of all individuals named bel0w, so please respect their privacy.
Date: Tue, 28 Mar 2000 11:07:29 -0600
Hi Catherine,
Sorry I haven’t been communicating for a while. It was a tough weekend. Lots going on with everything. Let me jump right in.
Last week, I was dealing with the initial aftershocks of Jennie telling me about the whole lent thing. For the first couple of days, I was just trying to think about what had happened and what was going to happen. And slowly it started to settle in, the ramifications of this whole thing.
I didn’t bring up the subject with anyone but Rebekah until the end of the week. I went and visited my friend Lena who works in the alumni office. She is from my hometown and knows me pretty well, and I have been keeping her informed on the whole Jennie situation from the very beginning. So, I felt that I could trust her for an honest opinion and she really gave me that.
She got really mad. She thinks Jennie is manipulating me. She also thinks that Jennie is turning this into a spiritual issue when it really isn’t. She is afraid of me getting hurt and she wants me to drop Jennie like a hot potato. However, she ended the conversation with the fact that it was my decision and she told me to talk to my parents, which I hadn’t thought about but I thought that was a good idea.
Also, because Lena got really mad, it kinda brought out my own anger with the whole situation. The rest of Friday I was really antsy and was pretty angry. However, more happened. Me and Ben and Rebekah ate dinner together and then Ginny and Hilary and Jennie came and joined us. We were at a small square table and they pulled up three extra chairs around the table. Jennie was off talking and so Hilary and Ginny sat down. Now, there just happened to be the one extra chair for Jennie. And it was right beside me. However, I was just waiting for someone else to notice and do something. And I was right. I wasn’t sure if Hilary knew, but as soon as she realized the empty chair was right beside me, she moved over. That got me really mad and I picked up my tray and left just to get away from the whole situation.
What bothered me is the fact that Jennie said we could hang out in a social setting and yet Hilary, by doing that, effectively built another wall between us. Somehow, I couldn’t even be trusted to sit next to her.
Not that I would have known what to say. I cannot talk to her Catherine. She doesn’t want to spend alone time with me. However, I was talking with Rebekah on Saturday night and she said that Jennie would really like me to still be sociable to her and look her in the face and say hi. That is the hardest thing for me to do right now. I feel utterly rejected by her and yet she wants me to be nice. She wants me to say hi and chat, and yet it means nothing. Why should we talk about the weather and classes when we both know there are huge issues lurking around every corner? Why should I be nice to her?
Well, I know I should be nice to her because God calls us to be friendly and loving. But I am having lots of trouble with that right now…
Well, then we went to the Third Day/Jennifer Knapp concert. It was really good. It helped me to get my mind off things. After the concert, I talked with my friend Deb and brought up the situation with her. I had actually brought it up with her last Sunday and so she knew about it, but she didn’t really say her reaction or anything. So, I asked her about it.
She was really concerned. She brought up that passage in one of the epistles that says a married couple shouldn’t separate unless it is by mutual consent and only then to pray and seek after God. It makes an interesting point, even though we aren’t married. I had no choice in this whole process. And looking back, Jennie has called most of the shots up to this point. I have basically had to accept and adjust my life to hers. And I am wondering if that is fair or if I should put my foot down. In some ways, I kinda feel walked all over. It is like a, “what about my needs and feelings?” kind of thing. That is selfish and yet I don’t know how much she has considered that.
Deb was really good to talk to though because she really pointed me to God and told me to pray about it. That was really, really good to hear. And so I did that on Friday night at about 1 am. It was really good. I cried for about a half an hour and sought God’s will. I found some peace and rest, although no answer. But that was good. and I woke up on Saturday feeling rested and at peace.
RA training was Saturday morning and I am really excited about the whole thing. The staff looks great and I am so pumped for Honey Rock and the training and everything like that. Oh, I took the Myers Briggs personality test. I am in the idealist category with a temperament class of counselor. My letters were INFJ. Basically, it says a lot of the same stuff as the DISC test. Have you taken the Myers Briggs? I vs E for Introvert vs Extrovert. N vs S for knowing vs sensing. F vs T for a feeler vs a thinker, and J vs P for judging versus perceiving. It really fits though. It says I am quiet and reserved but I am very loyal to friends and I care a lot about people. I am empathetic, etc… So that was good. Anyway, RA training was really nice to get away and keep my mind occupied and out of the situation.
Saturday, I called my parents and told them that I wanted to go home for the summer. They said that was great and got me booked for a ticket. I also told them I had this problem and wanted their advice. However, I wrote an email to them and set the whole thing up and then we talked on Sunday. Saturday night was March Masquerade on 3S. It was really fun. Afterwards, Rebekah and I took a walk. I dumped on her and she tried to defend Jennie’s position and I brought up all the right questions as far as questioning whether this was a good thing (and furthermore whether this was from God) After all, lack of communication in any relationship is bad, in general. Furthermore, we really weren’t that close (physically or emotionally) to really warrant a time like this. Six weeks is a long time. Lent is about giving things up, but that never entails hurting someone in the process. I have been hurt. Plus, there is nothing biblical about Lent so that makes it really hard to make a judgement call about the whole thing.
So, Rebekah didn’t have a lot of answers, but she believes that this is a good thing. I am not so sure anymore.
Also, the triple [a 5-person suite that Jennie lived in] is going through lots of things right now (partly related to this whole Lent thing and partly not) Supposedly on Sunday, all of them were really snappy and angry to each other. Rebekah thought that spiritual warfare was going on. Anyway, they are really involved in a lot of things right now.
Sorry I am jumping around in this story. They asked me to pray for them in this situation and I was kind of appalled at the beginning because here I am going through this whole thing and they are just like, “okay, get over it and pray for us because we are going through a whole lot worse now” But, they are going through a lot and everyone really needs prayer right now.
Here is a little break for you since it is halfway done. Again, use this time to go to the bathroom or get refreshments. Whatever. Just trying to lighten things up a little.
Sunday afternoon I talked with my family and they were very concerned for me. They recognized that Jennie must be a little screwed up in order to do this. They thought that she must have gone through lots to get to where she is. They told me to get away from her and forget about her. They said outright that God had someone special for me and that she isn’t it. They too thought that she was being manipulative. So, they warned me to stay away from her.
So, my parents aren’t too hot with whole idea. They also warned me about telling too much to Rebekah because she is really involved in the whole situation and if she told Jennie a lot of the stuff that I told her, it could be disastrous, which I understand. On the other hand, Rebekah is a really close friend and I trust her a lot. now, I have that doubt in my mind because of my parents (which may be a legitimate doubt). I haven’t really talked to her since then and I should really tell her what I am thinking (at least as far as the trust issue goes.)
And then the really positive thing that has come out of this whole thing… Me and Ben went out to dinner at Chile’s on Sunday night. We left right at five and got there and I talked for a whole hour of what had been going on. He knew nothing about the whole situation. So, that was really good and then he talked for another hour about his break and everything that had been going on with him. It was really a valuable time to catch up and be open. Then he suggested the really amazing thing of doing a daily accountability check in kind of thing. So, we have done that for just two nights, but I know it is going to be valuable for me. Right now, I am experiencing so many negative emotions and it will be good to be aware of those and tell him and get prayer. So, dinner was really.
WCF (World Christian Fellowship) was okay. I couldn’t concentrate (I wonder why??? 😉
Afterwards, Deb and I met. We have been meeting after every WCF and that has been good. I talked with her some more and she brought up some other good points. The biggest thing is about the people we will marry. I
truly think that my parents are seeing me married to someone who is basically perfect. What I mean is that she is a good girl with a good past and with relatively little dysfunction in her life. That is what I think they want for me, which is good. But, what if that isn’t exactly the plan? I don’t know. It is just an interesting thought. I need to talk to my parents more about what they really think. Deb also brought up a lot of examples where God really hurt people to change them or to bring about his purpose. Look at Hosea, look at Joseph (sold into slavery, lost family, he must have been depressed) all the disciples, Jesus, even Saul
(whom God blinded and totally changed). God hurts people, well at least it looks like hurt to us, but it is really change, change for the better. But while we are in that change, we can only think about the hurt. Anyway, just a thought.
So, Sunday night I was okay, but I was really angry, probably more so than any other night. It was bad Catherine. I am seeing how nasty and evil I can be. And a big part of me wants to hold onto the hurt and pain even though it is bad for me. Part of me wants to get back at her for how she has hurt me (even though she probably doesn’t even realize how much she has hurt me) I know that I shouldn’t entertain thoughts like that, but I did. However, I did ask for forgiveness and I am sorry. I don’t want to be like that.
Monday wasn’t much better. I was really not concentrating on anything. I couldn’t even think in class very well. So, I got through the day and we had some spiritual life committee meetings at night. Those are okay. We are trying to find people for next year, but we aren’t finding too many. We have been trying, but maybe god has something different planned for next year. We will see. I know it will work out.
I talked with Ben again last night and confessed a lot of the anger and bitterness that I had experienced all day again. We prayed and then I went to sleep.
It is hard. Rebekah is going through tons right now. I don’t really trust her and yet I want to help her. I want to be a good friend to her. I know Jennie is going through tons, but I cannot even talk to her.
Oh, the other really big thing is that I hardly know Jennie. Sure, I know who she is now at Wheaton, but I don’t know her past. I was talking with Rebekah and Rebekah was surprised that I didn’t know about Jennie’s previous relationships. So, I am thinking that is a big thing that I know nothing about. And if I really knew her and she really knew me, how could she hurt me this much (although again, maybe she doesn’t know how much it
hurts. And if that is the case, should I talk to her before the six weeks are up?)
If I do talk to her, it could just really complicate things. If I don’t talk to her, then either I am distracted for the next five weeks and cannot concentrate or else I suppress the emotions and don’t think about it. Although, with my personality, I don’t think I can suppress anything. The final thing is to deal with it now and get rid of the anger and bitterness and experience forgiveness and give forgiveness and love (true, Christian love) and just make sure that at the end of this we do talk and get everything straightened out.
Because I have realized that I don’t really like her right now. I don’t know if I will like her again, but I have basically been held off and rejected for almost a year now and this step as far as Lent goes was huge. She totally cut me off and doesn’t need me. What kind of relationship is that?
So, I don’t know what to do. My parents are saying get away, Rebekah is saying be patient, Ben and Deb aren’t telling me one way or another (which is good.) God isn’t really telling me anything (except that he loves me and is sustaining me through it)
I called Jerry Root [Christian Education professor at Wheaton] and left a message for him to talk to him about this situation. Hopefully he will call me back soon. I want an older, Christian opinion beside my parents. Plus, he knows Wheaton and all the little quirks. I need to know about Lent and what it truly means. I need to know what the bible says and I think he could help me a lot.
On a good note, I am better today. I haven’t really been angry at Jennie at all and I am basically at peace. It has been a decent morning. And as I write this, it is good to process it for the first time without all that anger. It helps me be a little more objective about what I need to do. I pray that that stays with me this day.
This is Derek unplugged. Exactly what I am thinking and feeling. And I probably left out a whole lot. Don’t worry about replying with a long letter (especially if your wrist hurts) but if you have any godly wisdom on the subject I would appreciate it. Otherwise, I would like to hear from you, but a quick note is okay with me. Pray for me please. I don’t know how I am going to survive the next five weeks.
I love you so much and I am sorry to burden you with all this. I wish I could hug you for a really long time and just spend time with you. Maybe some other time. Until then, you will just have to spend time with my thoughts and hopefully that will be enough. I love you.
Your confused brother in Christ,
Derek
Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 17:41:17 -0500
Okay,
so, just to let you know how fickle and changing emotions are, I am better.
I just finished a two-hour talk with Jennie. It was really good. I got to ask the questions that have been bothering me and she got to also.
The questions I asked her were 1. what were/are her feelings? This was really helpful. She still likes me (in the romantic/dating sort of way). She thinks I am a caring, sensitive, guy who is really genuine and loving. So, basically, she couldn’t say that she didn’t like me. 2. Why didn’t she feel like we would ever get together. This is probably the most important thing and I am kicking myself for not asking her sooner. I should have asked her about it in January or even before that. But I didn’t. That is the past. Can’t do much about it anymore.
Anyway, what she told me is that there are three things that she really felt were between us and couldn’t be resolved or dealt with. The first is that she feels like I am really smart and she isn’t as smart and so she is competitive about that. Furthermore, she couldn’t handle it too well if she was dating me as she would feel like she constantly had to “keep up”. That is valid. Secondly, she feels like our pasts are too different. She doesn’t think I can handle or help her with her past and she doesn’t want to drag me down into it. Third, she feels like we relate to God in different ways (which I never really thought about). Thinking about it now, that doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but it just makes communication that much more important. I don’t know… should your spouse communicate with God in the same way as you? I don’t think so, although I don’t know. That is just my opinion. The other two things are things that really concern her but I didn’t realize or don’t think are that important. But that was good to hear. Now I can know why she thinks that we shouldn’t get together.
I thought it would be hard to hear that she still liked me, but the answers to that second question really helped put it in perspective.
I also asked her about why she would feel hurt or jealous about hearing that I was going out with someone else. Again, that shows that she still likes me romantically. And she did have a passing thought that me and Deb (who I have been talking to a lot about this situation) were going out. So, that was interesting to hear. But it doesn’t make it easier.
So, why am I feeling like most things are resolved and that I am at peace? I don’t know.
Jennie then asked me lots of questions about what I was feeling and what I had thought during different times in Lent. It was good for her to hear that, but I am not always sure that she gets what I am meaning when I say something. Communication is so hard. Jennie asked me about my feelings towards her, but I don’t know what those are. I know what my feelings towards the situation are, but not towards her. I don’t hate her or anything, I just didn’t like the situation.
Anyway, we cleared some stuff up and then the big question hit. What was I going to do? I had a big choice about keeping the friendship or totally shutting it down. Right before I talked with Jennie I ran into Deb. It was providential. She told me how hurtful it would be if I totally cut off the friendship. But that is what I wanted to do because I was so hurt. But she really warned me against it and then prayed for me and what I would say and hear, that I wouldn’t be hurtful or vengeful but that I would be able to communicate clearly and openly. And I think that is what happened.
When Jennie and I first started talking, I was really teary and was going to cry hard and then she started to cry which only made me think less of my pain and more of hers. In any event, I stopped crying and then the conversation only got better for me. I was feeling lots of peace and I really told what was on my heart and I hope she didn’t take anything wrong. It was really good for me. And although I may feel different
tomorrow, I am reveling in the fact that I am feeling like this. And I am writing you right after it happened so that I might look back and see how I was feeling right after.
So, what did I decide to do? What I told her is that if she wrote me, then I would write her. I am open to hearing from her and will respond if she takes some initiative and writes me. And then it is up to her and me to decide how open each of us will be. It is another big risk, but I think that is what I should do. The distance will be good for us, but I think it will be good to have a little bit of communication. So, in the end, I am back at the same point I always was at. One day I wake up and realize that my problems are nothing to everyone else’s. so many other people are so much more hurt than I am and yet I can become totally focused on my hurt and pain. That doesn’t do much good (although I think it is a normal step and not always bad). So, I look around me and see the hurt of everyone else and my own hurt diminishes a little bit.
But, it might come back. Tomorrow I might be bitter, angry, or depressed. But I have to live with these feelings today, so I might as well experience them. That seems to be the lesson of the year, and it just ended with one of the hardest cases of that that I have experienced.
Catherine, I am at peace. Finally, after eight weeks I am at a calm in my life. It is really, really good. Even if it lasts for a day. Praise the Lord!!!!
Thanks for listening. I have a dinner meeting with my DSG [Discipleship Small Group]. I don’t know what I will tell them. We will see. I am just glad that I am alive.
Take care,
DEREK
PS. Just listening to Caedmon’s Call. Forty Acres is a really cool song. I like it lots.
PPS. Guess what? I just finished reading the sacred romance. Deb suggested it to me and loaned me a copy. I really liked it. The first half was much more applicable to me. I didn’t understand the second half, although I read that part over Easter weekend so my mind was someplace else at the same time (thinking about the situation.)
Tell me what you thought of it. I will look over it and see. I read it kinda fast so who knows what I missed. I love you so much. Wish I could hug you, because that is what I am thinking about right now.