This is the first journal that I kept as an adult. My ex-partner, Tracy, encouraged me to keep this journal right before I made the biggest mistake of my life. I would only write 10 entries before I stopped for several years, but it documented one of the most pivotal moments in the entire relationship.
December 31, 2015
“The start of my journal…Tracy wants me to use this to write down thoughts and feelings, but I think it’s just as important to document facts, as they give context to what is occurring and they can help ground your feelings. So, a few facts about where I am at…I’ve been in my relationship with Tracy for 7 years, 2 months, and 14 days. He knows me more than anyone in my life, with the possible exception of Johnathan, Johnathan knows who I was, which is helpful, but it can only explain a part of the person I am today. Tracy knows who I am which is why he is the most important person in my life. He can be so wonderful, but also frustrating. But I am sure he would same the same thing about me, and it’s true. I’m passive, too easily pleased by simple things. But both of these thoughts about myself can also be beneficial traits. So, it really is about balance. Having good balance is so important in your life to ensure your well-being. Very few people ever master this concept, but you would be very strong, resilient to all the problems we face in this life, if you achieved true balance.
I try…that’s why I eat healthy and why I do yoga. That’s not the whole truth about yoga though. Yoga makes me feel good, it makes me feel strong. It also makes my body look the way I want it to. I like my muscles, I like my flexibility. I like the feeling of challenging myself to be better every time I do yoga. And to indulge my vain side, I do it because it makes my body look hot and sexy. A few weeks ago, Tracy and I hooked up with another couple, Josh and David. They are from out of town and met while they were in the circus, so both have nice bodies. But they were both blown away by Tracy and I (and how we keep in shape). We ended up messing around a bit, but nothing more than making out and blow jobs. Otherwise, I just fucked Tracy in front of them. Which confirms another fact about me! I’m an exhibitionist. I like showing off my body. That’s why I like going to bathhouses. That why I wanted to do more pictures of me on Manhunt. That’s why I’ve sent Tracy many sexy photos. What I take away from the hookup is that I am still more attracted to Tracy than anyone else, and that I got off more on hooking up with him at Steam (the night before Josh and David), than the actual hookup. So yeah, I like to show off. And there is certainly nothing wrong with that!”
January 1, 2016
“Well, it was a rocky morning for Tracy and I. Let’s rewind to last night though, since that played a major role in Tracy’s feelings this morning. I gave him an “ultimate nexus” which is our code-word for a full body massage. 1 hour, hitting every major area of his body. Candles, a warmed towel to lay on, and I even devised a role play to go with it. Derek Shaw – snack shack owner giving a once-a-year massage to a lucky patron. Tracy got into it, but not as much as I did. After the 1st hour, I gave him a blow job, rim job, dildo, poppers, blindfolds, wrists tied. It was SO hot…only I took too long and couldn’t get hard at the end of it to fuck him. Talk about a confidence shaker. We eventually both came, but it was a letdown at the end.
And today he woke up with a frown and wouldn’t explain why until I pushed him to open up and said I didn’t want to see him so unhappy all-day long. He said he was bored and we had nothing in common. He said one of the few things holding us together was sex, but that wasn’t enough. We eventually were able to talk a bit and I pointed out the effort I was making and that my intent last night was to make him feel good. He understood, and I will continue to make an effort to do new, exciting things, with him. I want to be the man of his dreams, which I’ve been in the past, and which I will be in the future again. I promise.”
January 2, 2016
“Today has been much better. Tracy apologized again for his behavior and he was in a much better mood when he woke up. Of course, that may have to do with the fact that at 6am, I fucked him…it only took a minute or two before I was busting a nut. Man, it felt like I was 25 again. And that was on top of fucking him earlier that night. yea, we are definitely horny studs. I’m going to hang out with Aaron later tonight. I haven’t seen him in months, so it should be a fun time. And then I am meeting someone from manhunt tomorrow for coffee. So, my quest for friends has a few promising leads”
January 3, 2016
“I made the biggest mistake of my life today, and I may have lost Tracy because of it. I got way too drunk at Aaron’s and hooked up with him (received oral, hand jobs, kissing). I then came home and lied about how much happened initially. By 2pm, all the details had come out, and Tracy was hurt by all that had happened. And he’s not sure if he will stay with me. I’m so scared of that happening, and have thought legitimately about suicide today, except that would only hurt Tracy more. And that is the last thing I want to do. Although, why I couldn’t think of that last night is shameful, embarrassing, and just plain stupid. I did the one thing that we both agreed we would never do. I am a cheater and a liar, and I’ve caused Tracy and myself so much pain. I’m prepared to lose him (as prepared as I can be at this moment really, since I’m sure I’m not truly prepared) and I am holding out hope for a miracle, since that is what it will take to keep him. Why should he put up with what I’ve put him through? The only reason would be because he loves me. And he has said that to me as well as apologizing for his previous rants and arguments where he said he was leaving me. I was very impressed to see him admit that, although it just made me that much sorrier. I love Tracy, I know I do. Now I have to show that love while also giving him space and time to process and heal…Tracy might forgive me, but how will I forgive myself? I don’t deserve it. Please God, please let Tracy see that I am truly repentant and let him know that I love him. Please help him see the beauty in our relationship and soothe his pain. Comfort him as I cannot. Tracy, I’m sorry.”
