I Really Want It – A Great Big World

This song is catchy! And it definitely sums up my mindset of moving to Portland in 2008. “What the hell are you waiting for, it’s time to make a decision” And I had decided to move to Portland and fall in love. I was “homeward bound”, because I was going to find a boy, fall in love, create a home and start a family. But the song even says that what I really needed was inside myself. What I needed was God’s unconditional love, which I always had inside me (in the form of the Holy Spirit) but I just never realized how powerful that presence could be, at least until Miracle Sunday. But now, the more I experience God’s love, the more I learn, the more I love, the more I burn for God’s plan to be fulfilled.

It was featured on the Seattle Sounds vol. 12-2 soundtrack, so I only discovered it the weekend before Miracle Sunday, when I visited Meagan and Mike in Seattle. They gave me a copy of the CD at that point, and I had the song when I first started constructing The Final Breakup soundtrack, at 3 am on Miracle Sunday.

Young Love – Eli Lieb

Eli Lieb is a homosexual artist and Tracy exposed me to his album sometime after it dropped in 2013. I really liked to see images of two men together in his music videos. “Put up your dukes tonight” – Tracy and I often had fights, even after we had broken up and were still living together. Due to our anxious/avoidant tendencies, we would fight and then make up which would bring us closer together only to bring on another fight. Tracy’s touch was “contagious”. The more I experienced it, the more I wanted it in my life. The love was getting “dangerous” but I needed more of it.

Fairly early on, bridge was turned on its head for me, which then helped to show me that our love for God should be a “young love” type of love. Full of passion and potential. “If we go down with this ship, we go down together. If we should die tonight, it’s you and me forever. Forever, you and I, together, until we die. And I’ll be right next to you, even on the other side”. Even in death, I will be with God and he will be with me. and now my love for God is getting dangerous. His touch is contagious. I couldn’t run, I couldn’t hide. I was “wasted by the light”.

Don’t You Worry Child – Sam Tsui

I’ve had this song in my music collection since it debuted, sometime in 2013. In some ways, Tracy is the “girl of a different kind”, and “in a happy home, I was a king who had a golden throne”. It was no joke in my family that I was the “special child”. I was the middle child, #3, the child who tried to make everyone get along, and who had a special place in his mother’s heart, due to the stressful times together in the early years.

And while I suffered rejection from my parents when I told them I was homosexual, my heavenly Father was saying, “Don’t you worry child, Heaven’s got a plan for you”. He gave me a glimpse of that in the letter from Meagan’s mom. I truly had my first heartbreak at this point, and “I remember how it all changed”. But what I really need to remember is to not worry (be anxious), that heaven has a plan for me.

My Hands – Leona Lewis

I first remember hearing this song at the end of Final Fantasy XIII. The world had just been saved by the sacrifice of two of the 7 main characters. They were frozen in time, encased in ice. And that’s what this song talks about…how a person’s presence in your life will continue to affect you, even long after they are gone. Because our hands “don’t want to start again, they don’t want to understand, they just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find.” It is so difficult to start again, to gain true understanding, but that is what I did on Miracle Sunday.

So, as humans, we need to move past the lyrics in My Hands, otherwise we can’t ever learn to start again, to understand, and to find peace. But if we can…then God’s hands “will not let me go. No, they will not let me go”

Cinema – Benny Benassi

This song sums up an anxious attachment style partnered with an avoidant attachment style. The entire song talks about wanting to watch my “cinema”. “You are my cinema, I could watch you forever. Action, thriller, I could watch you forever. You are my cinema, a Hollywood treasure, love you just the way you are”. And I did, I truly loved Tracy where he was at. I showed patience and kindness and forgiveness throughout our relationship. But it wasn’t enough to change things. Tracy would “keep my guessing” and I never knew what to expect around him, his mood being heavily affected by what occurred during the day.

But when you realize this could be about your relationship with God, it takes on a whole new meaning, “Stars spell out your name like a science-fiction drama. Romance growing like a flower in the summer. You always keep me guessing, forever my wonder. Hope you start undressing all my dreams and take me under”. God is present in nature, God is present in human creation, and God’s romance is unlike anything I have ever known.

Marry You – Bruno Mars

I think I first heard this song on the radio. I clearly remember singing it to Levi, one of Tracy’s friends, on his birthday at Karaoke club, which was really fun. As for how the song relates to my story, it reflects my mindset when I gave Tracy his ring. Because when I gave Tracy his ring, in my mind, I was marrying him. The ring symbolized my commitment and dedication to him and to our relationship. I really did think I wanted to marry him. But “it was a dumb thing to do”. Not that it was dumb to want to marry Tracy, but it was dumb to jump into things so quickly without ever getting some type of couples counseling (which would occur in a traditional dating – engagement – marriage style of relationship development).

Unfortunately, I had to wait for Tracy to say, “I do”. Did he have the same “look” or was it just “this dancing juice”, i.e. just the infatuation that comes along with a young love. And while I waited patiently for Tracy to give me a ring in return, it did make me anxious to have to wait without knowing if or when I would receive one. I would remind him numerous times through 2011 and 2012 that I did not have a ring, and he eventually made things right between us.

Halo – Beyoncé

I had heard this song before Tracy played it for me when he gave me my ring at Crater Lake. But it became my song the moment I put on the ring he had given me. And the song was so beautiful because Tracy was “breaking down walls” and he had found a way to “let me in”. When taken from the viewpoint of Tracy’s avoidant attachment style, the song then becomes strangely ironic, because it is talking about what Tracy truly wants as an avoidant, but he rarely attains it, and even if we did attain it during our relationship, he certainly didn’t maintain the openness.

God redeemed this song for me on February 4, 2018. God took away the heartache it was causing. He turned the song into my love song to Him. Because on Miracle Sunday, I had no walls and I wasn’t putting up a fight. “Standing in the light of your halo, I got my angel now. It’s like I’ve been awakened…Everywhere I’m looking now I’m surrounded by your embrace. Baby, I can see your halo. You know you’re my saving grace. You’re everything I need and more.”

Locked out of Heaven Mashup – Megan Nicole & Sam Tsui

I followed Sam Tsui on YouTube and kept finding songs that resonated with me. I especially love mashups, as they can give some new meaning to songs.

The female vocals speak to Tracy’s viewpoint while the male vocals speak to my viewpoint. We were making each other feel alive, but increasingly I felt locked out of heaven. I was still flirting with Christianity, but by 2014, I pretty much stopped going to church until Miracle Sunday.

Until You’ve Fallen Down – Eli Lieb

The next three songs represent my mindset in the aftermath of hooking up with Aaron. I wanted to blame myself, I wanted to pretend that it didn’t happen, and I wanted to move on from it. Until You’ve Fallen Down represents moving on from the event. “Do you ever feel like giving up, Like your best friend just ain’t enough. You find it hard to give your trust. You get so tired of playing tough.” Unfortunately, I couldn’t easily move on from my indiscretion because I blamed myself for making the choices that led to the hookup.

I found this song on Miracle Sunday as I put together my soundtrack. I had already included Eli Lieb, and I liked the idea of including a few of his tracks, since he is a homosexual artist.

Échame la Culpa – Luis Fonsi & Demi Lovato

I’m not sure how this song got downloaded on to my phone. Maybe it was a free download, or I heard it on the radio and made an impulse buy. I actually don’t remember. What I do remember is playing this song over and over again, because it summed up how I was feeling. “Okay, I don’t really, really wanna fight anymore. I don’t really, really want to fake it no more. Play me like the Beatles, baby, just let it be. So come on, put the blame on me”

The song repeats this same phrase over and over in both Spanish and English. I normally HATE songs that repeat. But what is beautiful about this song is that if you imagine Jesus singing it, it takes on a whole new meaning.

Honey, I’m Good – Andy Grammer

This song was on Seattle Sounds vol. 11, which I received from Meagan and Mike a few weeks into January 2016. Once I heard this song, it would make me cry because I wasn’t the person in this song singing, even though I had always assumed that I would be that kind of person. When I cheated with Aaron, I didn’t even know WHY I had cheated. And so, I realized I didn’t know myself nearly as well as I thought I did.

Part of me thinks if I had gotten this song before my hookup with Aaron that things wouldn’t have happened. There is no way to know that, and it seems unlikely that a song could stop the path I was on, the path that Tracy had put me on. Because really the incident with Aaron was influenced by BOTH of our actions. But now that I have a renewed relationship with God, I look forward to seeing this song the next time I’m in a relationship. And in the meantime, I can use this song to identify with saying no to this world and saying yes to God.

Remedy – The Electric Swing Circus

This album was given to me as a gift from Johnathan in 2017, and it quickly became a symbol for one of the major problems between Tracy and I. After I had received it, I asked Tracy if he wanted to listen to it. He said no. Even after I had listened to it and found a few songs I really liked, he wouldn’t put forth the effort to get to experience something that I liked. I still don’t think he has heard this song.

“What’s going on with me…Look what that magic did to me”. Tracy’s magic over me (his ability to pull me in and push me away as an avoidant) felt like a magic spell, because I kept giving him what he wanted. And so, I fell victim to a “double talking bug like you”. But “this magic makes a mockery; this magic’s got a hold on me” and so I stayed in my relationship for another year.

Next to You – Eli Lieb

The final song (and most heartbreaking) of Eli Lieb’s songs on this soundtrack. The original lyrics to this song spoke to me about how I was feeling and how I viewed the final months of our relationship. “You don’t even say goodbye when I’m lying right next to you…I just want to live this lie lying right next to you”. And that is what I did, as Tracy got closer and closer to Scott while leaving me behind.

“You’ve got me down so I’m getting high, I’ll put you underneath a back light. Seeing the stains of your dirty lies. Under a waterfall we’ll wash it clean. I’ll hold you down like your drowning. Knowing that I’ll be the one who dies”. I use marijuana in the final year of our relationship to numb myself to the realities of how bad things had gotten in my relationship. If I had put Tracy under a black light, I would have seen the lies of his transgressions. This is also the first mention of waterfall, but the waterfall plays a big role in my anthem (Geronimo) for the second part of my story.

God also redeemed this song, because He gave me alternate lyrics for it. It is now changed into a beautiful love song to God.

2am, Friday Night, I’m empty and I want to cry

Where do you run when you want to hide

Gave my everything, my heart & soul, my beating heart, where did you go?

I’m reaching out, but my soul is tired.

I will never say goodbye when I’m walkin’ right next to you

I could dry a million eyes when I’m walkin’ right next to you

And You’re all I need, oh, oh,

I just want to live this life, walkin’ right next to you

You lift me up, You carry Me, You’re always there right beside me

Seeing the power of your perfect truth

Under a waterfall, You’ll wash me clean. You’ll lift me up like I’m flying

Knowing that You’ll be the one who dies

I just want to live this life walkin’ right next to you.

I just want to live this life walkin’ right next to you.

Alive – Krewella

Tracy and I found this song on Sirius XM when we first got our new car in 2011. I added it to the playlist, as it really symbolizes my feelings at the end of Miracle Sunday. “All alone, just the beat inside my soul. Take me home, where my dreams are made of gold. In the zone, where the beat is uncontrolled. I know what it feels like, come on, make me feel alive” “Come on, make me feel, until the pain don’t matter. Every second here makes my heart beat faster. Finally think I found what I’m chasing after”

And I truly did find what I was chasing after. I was chasing after love and acceptance, and I found that in God on Miracle Sunday. This song is a celebration of that experience and that realization.

Good Day for Marrying You – Dave Barnes

This song also came from Seattle Sounds Vol. 12-2, so I had only been listening to it for a few days when I put it on my soundtrack. God gave me this song as a promise. A promise that one day I will be married to a wonderful Christian man. And that will be a wonderful event. Right now, I am actually a divorced man who has never been married. Yes, I was in a registered domestic partnership but that is still different than marriage, and when they end, you still get divorced. While I was originally disappointed by this realization, I’ve also come to a new realization during this process.

I’ve realized that I still will only be married once, and, God willing, I will only have one ex-boyfriend. And it fills me with a lot of joy to hope and dream for that marriage.

I Really Want It – A Great Big World

Everything comes full circle. The start of my journey is also the end. Because once again, I am “homeward bound” and “I’m not giving up” because “I really want it”. But instead of wanting romantic love from a boy, which is what I wanted in 2008 when I moved to Portland, I now want more of God’s presence and power in my life. “I’m feeling the world go around. It’s spinning me upside down. I’m finally homeward bound. I’m not giving up, it’s crawling under my skin, and I don’t care if I sin. I really want it. I really want it. I really want it”

And I don’t care if I “sin”, because I know deep down that being homosexual is not a sin.

It Is Well with My Soul – Jars of Clay

As Meagan would say, “Every good CD has a hidden track, like my favorite Plumb album.” And I would have to agree with that statement, because I also enjoy hidden tracks. Granted, if you put my soundtrack into a computer, you will see the hidden track right away, but if it is played in a CD player, then you get to experience the hidden track. Much the same way that we experience each other’s hidden talents and abilities. Of course, God knows we have them, but sometimes we need to show them to other people in order for others to recognize them.

This was the hymn that was sung on Miracle Sunday. And while it was the traditional version of the song that I heard that Sunday, this interpretation really spoke to me when I heard it. I also wanted to include a Christian song at the end of “The Last Breakup” as it shows that I am now fully committed to God’s plan for my life. And I can report that things are finally well with my soul. Praise God!