Since I started this blog nearly two and a half years ago, I’ve lived in a lot of places: New Zealand, Australia, Colorado, Oregon, Montana. As I type this, I am once again on the search for a home. I’ve been living in a place for about two and a half months…and I’ve been asked to leave.

It’s probably because of the emotional outbursts I exhibit at various hours of the day and night. Who knew that meditation and deep breathing could bring out so many tears, fears, and jeers? I thought it was supposed to bring peace, understanding, and stress reduction, but I’ve learned that it simply opens you up to feeling more of the relationship between your body, mind and soul.

Put in another way, I’ve been trying to balance my head, heart, and gut. These three hungry, lonely, and frustrated parts of me have all been vying for control of my thoughts, words, and deeds. I want to say that I’m winning that war, but since I’m being evicted from my current home, and I have virtually no real friends, I’d have to say I’m losing.

Losing…or the way of the Loser?

I follow the path of a Loser who put up with complete rejection and misunderstanding too. His name was Jesus Christ, although I’m pretty sure he’s been known by many other names across this planet. He too loved the created order more than God (i.e. himself), albeit perfectly. He died to prove that point. And then resurrected…because He’s God.

He also said we didn’t have to die. And yet, when I look around this world, that’s all I see. I’m sure you would agree with me. Do you know anyone that is immortal, or has ascended to heaven without dying? And the causes of death? Most people say time, gravity, sickness, disease, The fall, sin…lots of reasons and causes of death. Would you believe that I just see it as love?

After all, God IS Love. And so, how could love kill us? Well, Love doesn’t, but love does. A simple capitalization helps to illustrate my point. When we love people, places or things (i.e. the created world), it can teach us about Love, but it will also cause our death. And we need to prioritize (i.e. capitalize) loving God more than HERM’s things. Why is that? Well, the wages of “sin” is death. And when we love the creation more than the creator, He has to show us the error of our ways.

Eyes to See & Ears to Hear

Jesus was constantly being misunderstood during His time here on earth. The people wanted a savior, a King, and miracles. They followed because they were hungry for signs and wonders. They died, because they did not understand.

My eyes and ears are opening…and I can now see the trauma (no sin anywhere, just trauma) that we all experience and inflict on one another. I see it in the offset eyes, the drooping shoulders, the twisting hips, and the scrunched up hands and feet. I hear it in the lisps, and mispronunciations, and the shuffling feet. We just get more and more attached to the created order through all the ways we “take care” of ourselves: glasses, pills, following doctors orders.

Don’t get me wrong, All those ways we use to find peace and joy are loved by God, and She planned for them to be around. But she also wants us to know that we don’t NEED any of them. What we need is to figure out our dependence upon YHWH: the original name for God in the Bible, the sound of the human breath, & the interaction of breathing (Spirit) with our own trinity, the body/mind/soul.

Just a Dream?

Part of me thinks I already died, and therefore my beliefs above are nothing more than a fantasy. Yet, I’ve had numerous people assure me I’m not in purgatory or dead. And I don’t FEEL dead. In fact, every day that goes on, I feel more alive.

I’ve experienced my finger and toenails growing stronger, clearer, and straighter. I’ve also experienced straightening in my fingers and toes themselves. The varicocele (a mass of blood vessels in my testicles) has also “magically” disappeared. My voice has changed (I now sing bass rather than tenor) and I’m pretty sure I’m unearthing one of the greatest treasures I will ever find: my Adam’s apple.

It sounds like I’m going through puberty. I’m actually 40 years old. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, unless you understand my story. A story of giving up at least 101 dreams and interfacing with Reality. I’m willing to share my story with anyone who will listen…it just takes time, something that most people don’t have enough of. I’ll be waiting for when you do.