We are in the midst of a pandemic! It’s radically changed life across this planet for most people. And at the same time, from my viewpoint, people are struggling with the same thoughts and feelings that they always have. Fear of uncertainty, fear of death, boredom, a frustration at the lack of control they have in their lives. They desire relationship, connection, and love, they desire for “things” that bring them joy, not realizing that even when they pursue these things, it is as the writer of Ecclesiastes puts it, “a chasing after the wind”.

I just finished reading Ecclesiastes and it is still one of my favorite books of the Bible. I liked it as a kid because it presented a slightly angsty, jaded view of the world. God telling his creation to just “Eat, drink, and enjoy [his] work“. Because as grand as this life is, ultimately, it is work. It’s work to keep our bodies, minds, and souls moving, thinking, and existing in this world. You don’t think so? So, all those years of growing up with your parents…all that nurturing that you’d have to deal with for most of your adult life. It wasn’t work being part of a family?

After those most formative years comes school. 12-24 years of jumping through hoops, meeting expectations, earning grades and positive feedback through the things you produce. Yup, sounds like work to me. Next, you transition to the world of “adulting” in which, well, you work. At the beginning of this year, the United States had very low unemployment, 3.6%. So, it’s a safe assumption that most people were working at the start of 2020. Maybe you are one of the lucky few who would say that your work involves your vocation, something to which you are uniquely suited. It doesn’t feel like work when you do it…so they say…if you can ever find it. Congrats! that’s just about the best place to be. But trust me, you are still working.

Seeing is work?

I think everyone works harder at seeing than they realize. For me, after a T-boning collision with another car in 2003, I was left with increasing double vision for most of my 20s and 30s. So, even going in regularly for eye check-ups, getting new glasses every year or two, wearing and cleaning all the glasses I had over the years, all of it was work. What I didn’t realize was that I was also changing my posture and how my body parts interacted with each other and with my reality over those two decades.

I’ve come to find out that I had literally frozen half of my body (the left side) to help me see. I would also change the way I spoke, ate, drank, and lived. The accident had caused my two eyes to separate and jump apart, away from each other. My double vision was vertical, and so the “gap”, measured in units, was vertical at 14 units. That was a gap that first my body, and then my body combined with glasses, would try to corect.

It’s called a strabismus, and the way to fix it is through surgery. Lots of kids have this problem and get it fixed early on, ages 2-4. I finally got surgery to correct for it at age 37, 16 years after the original car accident that caused it. But for the last two years, it’s still been a lot of work to see. While the surgery corrected for the strabismus, I still had near-sightedness and astigmatism, with the following prescription. The doctors had straightened my eyes. I guess I could always get Lasik…

-2.25 +0.75 060
-2.00 +0.50 118

NeuroTrain

Fast forward my story to the beginning of this year, as the pandemic was starting in China, my vision was starting to do funky things. Weird clicks and pops in my skull, jaw, and neck combined with momentary visions of greater clarity than I was used to. Something was going on in my body (if you want to know why, read some of my previous blogposts).

After following some interesting coincidences, I ended up at NeuroTrain in Littleton, CO, sharing the story of my accident and vision to Erin Van Horn in early February. In fact, the day was the anniversary of “Miracle Sunday” – February 4th.

Erin listened to my story, said she had helped another client with a strabismus see better, and she thought she could help me. My first session occurred that same afternoon. As soon as I put on the pinhole glasses she gave to me, I knew I was in the right place. Because in just one of the tiny pinholes that my two eyes were combining into one image, I was seeing something in 20/20 vision. I did a lot of crying that day, which I’ve come to realize is an important aspect of any therapy. At least for me.

The last 3 months I’ve had a lot of other realizations as well – about what I was actually seeing and experiencing over the past 17 years, and about what people were seeing in me and about me. I’m beginning to understand the ways in which I limited myself and made myself work in order to protect my vision.

Eye Tests & Seeing Clearly

I’m going to need to take another eye test before I get my Oregon Driver’s License…again. I got my first 12 years ago. I gave my last one up 2 years ago. It’s so eerie that I’ve come back to the same place where I first was out as a gay man. It’s the place I found love and became a homeowner. It is the place I lost love and became divorced. And now, it holds all the promises that it did the first time: acceptance, connection, family, home, partnership, love, understanding.

My eyesight still isn’t perfect. In fact, I don’t know if it would even be any better than the prescription I got two years ago. But, my mind’s eye is open, and I have hope that I will be seeing in 20/20 soon. I’m still working with Erin, I’ve seen here a handful of times over the past 3 months, gaining new exercises each time: Vestibulo-ocular reflex training, joint and mobility training, breath training, gargling, smelling, tongue stretching. The best was her suggestion to run several miles with duct tape over my mouth. It was training to only breathe through my nose. Technically, though, I was going around “masked” before it was cool!

So that’s my story, at least this blogged edition of it. I’ll keep you updated over the summer, especially when I go to test for my driver’s license. And I might have a LOT of time on my hands, if I can’t find work. But that’s okay. Because I still have plenty to work on already.