I’ve tried to make that statement true in my life for over a year now. I’m not sure if I’ve actually succeeded or not. Because even when that’s true, there’s always just a lot of questions. Questions about which action to take, question about motivations and WHY we do things. I wonder about my future. Questions keep bubbling up on whether my life is truly simple, beautiful, and true.

I recently encountered a version of this statement in Richard Rohr’s book, The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective. He talks about Einstein’s opinion that a “world formula” that wasn’t simple and beautiful couldn’t be true either. Rohr argues that the Enneagram is similarly simple, true, and beautiful.

That Feeling

I had to “break up” with my therapist this week. This was only our third session, but I just felt increasingly that he was not understanding me or what I considered important. And in my defense, he did tell me he had a long waiting list and lots of other people wanting to see him. If that’s the case, then by all means, help them. He just couldn’t help me.

Ultimately, it all centers around me not feeling cared about or loved. I have this feeling of being alone and on my own, of no one caring about what happens to me. By saying something similar to that in my counseling session, my therapist used his example of having other people who need his help but he was giving his time (and therefore his help) to me.

That feeling comes from being a 2 on the Enneagram. Richard Rohr states it this way, “TWO’s hide the fact that they are so needy. They are afraid of what could happen if their immense need for warmth, love, and intimacy got out of control. The needs are sensory-emotional in nature: tenderness, sex, attachment.”

Gift or Curse?

So, my gift: my desire and ability to get close to people, to see and meet their needs, also becomes my curse. I’m forever going to be frustrated and hurt when people don’t meet my needs in the same ways that I try to meet theirs. “Our gift and our sin are two sides of the same coin. To meet your gift, you must, so to speak, chew, eat, and digest your sin. Eat it, taste it, feel it, let yourself be humiliated by it! This is very traditional church teaching.”

This gift/sin relationship is simple, beautiful, and true. At least it is for me. I am at my most unhealthy when I’m constantly doing things for other people, or wallowing in the thoughts of being alone, despite having people in my life who care for me.

And by understanding myself and why I am better at meeting other people’s needs than my own, I am starting to see that my life is simple, beautiful, and true these days. When I have that need for connection and attachment, I can think about WHY I have it, and HOW I can honor it without letting it overwhelm me or my emotions.

I used to think having “that feeling” was a bad thing. I thought I’d invariably end up disappointed or depressed because people wouldn’t respond how I wanted them to. But now I know it’s just the way God has gifted me.