In many ways, I am already the man I want to be. Articulate, attractive, athletic, caring, kind, thoughtful, respectful, passionate, reflective, calm, and introspective. I am also a son, a brother, an uncle, a gay man, a divorcee, a Christian, an INFJ, and an Enneagram 2. I am a counselor, adventurer, traveler, dreamer, dancer, musician, blogger, and a really patient person.
But what do I still want to be? At the forefront, my desires are to be a husband, a bride, and a father. I want to be both a prince and princess to the man that I choose to spend the rest of my life with. I want to be the devoted lover of one person. And I want to be the one that someone slays a dragon for, the one that is rescued. I want to find someone who will go to hell and back for me…
Summer Rewind?
As you know from reading my blog, I spend a lot of time listening to music within Spotify. I appreciate Spotify’s ways of discovering new music. The other day, I found a new playlist called “Summer Rewind”. After reviewing the songs, I realized they were songs from last summer in Montana, primarily from my Apperception playlists. But the final song from the playlist I’m positive I didn’t listen to last summer, and I’m pretty sure I’ve never listened to it at all.
But it doesn’t surprise me that God snuck a song into the playlist that He wanted me to experience. I’ve been reading All Shall Be Well by Catherine McNiel, which comes out in a couple of weeks. Catherine and I both worked at Adventure Club, a paid kids ministry job in college, and we’ve stayed friends ever since. Her book is about realizing that God is here, always here; we just get distracted with our busyness, our errant prioritizations, and our self-centeredness.
The song was Nichole Nordemen’s You’re Here.
You were at the altar, preacher's hand upon my head
You were in the water, when I came up clean instead
You're still in my story, when my tears fall on the dirt
You're there in the morning, wrapping grace around what hurts
You were in the questions, in the silence on the phone
You were paying cab fare, making sure I made it home
I believed in too far, I believed in my worst fear
But You were never moving closer, You were only always here
Who do I want to be?
What kind of man do I truly want to be? The kind that loves God with all my heart, and soul, and mind, and strength. The kind of man that loves his neighbor as himself. A man that knows God – in all Their ways.
I’ve found someone for whom I’m the bride. I’ve found someone who has rescued me, who has gone to hell and back for ME…Whether I become a husband and father, I leave that up to God. I certainly think I would make a good one, but I often don’t know what is best for me. I’m hoping for a miracle, and resting in the fact that God knows best.
Regardless of what happens, though, I am not alone. God is in us and around us, sustaining us and creating life. In the religious experiences, in the daily needs, in my story, and in yours. In the morning, in the darkness, in my questions, and in the silence, God is always, always there. Always loving, always open, and always waiting for me to simply respond to His presence