I recently opened up a new part of the site called “My Recommendations.” It is a list of 36 media items (books, movies, podcasts, and playlists) that were recommended to me by friends and family as I prepared for my 9 month adventure down under.
Earlier this week, I was journaling and realized that I was going to be recommending 36 items to my readers, and not a single one of them was MY recommendation. It only took me a few seconds to decide what I would recommend…
Because I did have a recommendation that I gave out to people as I met with them between March and August 2018 (and even now in New Zealand). I was recommending My Story, my auto-biography written to change my family’s hearts and minds on the issue of homosexuality. I only distributed My Story electronically during those months except for 12 printed copies:
- 1 initial draft edited by my younger brother Johnathan and my sister-in-law Kendra
- 7 copies given to family members and close friends
- 3 loaner copies that I checked out to friends in Montana
- 1 copy for myself
I’m sad to say that, as of the writing of this post, My Story didn’t change my family’s hearts or minds towards the issue of homosexuality. My parents, my older brothers and their wives still believe that I am sinning for acting on my homosexual attraction. And I’m not even sure my older brothers or their wives READ my book. If they did, they never told me about it. I do know my Mom read it, because I asked her if she had. But she didn’t want to talk about it, and still doesn’t.
It’s not all bad news though, and I’m proud to say that I’ve already read My Story out loud to my father. It was actually the most rewarding part of this project to date because it was a way for my father and I to reconnect this past summer. Over several weeks in April and May 2018, we sat in two oversized recliners in my parent’s living room, looking out from the Billings Rimrocks towards the Pryor Mountain Range. We would enjoy a cup of tea or coffee, and I would read a chapter or two out of my book. Several times during the readings, I would look over and see tears in my father’s eyes. He also said things like, “I never knew that’s what you experienced” or “I hope your siblings read this”. I will always remember seeing my father like that…listening to my story, and empathizing with my struggles.
Furthermore, the Holy Trinity is bigger than me, and you, and my family. I’m pleased to report that My Story has already impacted other people around me. I’ve sent it out to about 70 people – friends, friends of friends, and it’s even been forwarded to people I have never met. But I still feel like there is something bigger out there, especially after reading two other coming out stories this week.
Recommendations #1 and #2 are for Blue Babies Pink by Brett Trapp & Torn by Justin Lee.
While I resonated with many of the themes and feelings each of these writers brought up, My Story takes a different path. Because, unlike Justin and B.T., I engaged in homosexual activity, after trying to be celibate for 4 years. I commend both of these men for their strength of character, but I actually thought that since I was going to hell for being gay, I might as well try to find romantic love here on earth.
From Oct 2008 to Jan 2018, I was in a 9-year homosexual relationship with a man that I loved, and still care for dearly. Only by ending that relationship, having a massive panic attack, and having my Miracle Sunday, was I able to return to the faith and Christian community that I had grown up in.
So stay tuned…because soon my father won’t be the only one to have heard me reading My Story. I’m taking a page from B.T.’s playbook and I’m releasing a podcast. Over the next 3 months, I will be reading my auto-biography in its entirety, because I know it’s a story that needs to be told and heard.
“This is my story, a story of disappointment and rejection, but also a story of
hope and redemption. From age 13 to age 25, I was a Christian dealing with
homosexual attraction. From age 25 to age 37, I was a homosexual dealing with
Christian attraction. Only after losing all the relationships that I held most dear
(with God, with my family, with my friends, and with my partner) was I able to
realize and embrace the knowledge that I was, am, and always will be, exactly
who God created me to be – a homosexual Christian.”
Derek Michael Shaw – My Story