I didn’t keep journals as a child, although I do have one from time spent in Washington, D.C. as a junior in high school. I recorded my time on plain, college-ruled paper in a 3-ring binder. I was part of a National Youth Forum on Medicine, a two-week summer program designed for high school students to learn more about medical professions and issues. At the time, I was thinking I wanted to be a doctor, but both the trip and the Med Careers class I took my senior year convinced me that I didn’t want to spend that much time in school (or exit school with that much debt). But I still appreciate the record that I have of that trip.
Fast forward to college and my journaling primarily took the form of emails I sent to friends and family. I would write pages and pages of emails explaining what was going on in my life, my mind, and my heart. They span the Lent season of sophomore year and continue through senior year. Since they were all sent through my college email account, I knew I wouldn’t be able to access them forever. And since they had such a detailed record of what was going on, I actually downloaded them all before I left college. They sat on various different computers over the next 16 years, until I found them as I was going through my divorce in January and February 2018. I now have a printed copy of them back in my storage locker in Billings, MT.
After college, I lost touch with writing about my life and thoughts. It was a dark period in my life, one where I thought I was going to Hell for being homosexual. I do have two letters I wrote to my friend Ben during this period, and they show the emotional anguish I was going through between 2001 and 2007. The feelings of lonesomeness and hopelessness started to subside when I finally came out to my younger brother and his wife (Johnathan and Kendra), who helped to show me that I wasn’t going to hell just for being homosexual. They were happy for me, and happy I could express myself openly. I will always remember the smile on Kendra’s face after I told them, when she exclaimed, “I knew it!”
I didn’t keep a journal through most of my relationship with Tracy either, although I wish I had. It would have made writing My Story much easier.
So my first ACTUAL journal was a journal that I started at the request of Tracy in 2016. I recorded my thoughts in a purple Moleskin journal and I started it December 31, 2015. I wrote 9 entries during the month of January and 1 entry in June 2016. I will be amazed for the rest of my life at the fact that I started journaling at this exact moment in my life. Here is the first entry.
December 31, 2015, “The start of my journal…Tracy wants me to use this to write down thoughts and feelings, but I think it’s just as important to document facts, as they give context to what is occurring and they can help ground your feelings. So, a few facts about where I am at…I’ve been in my relationship with Tracy for 7 years, 2 months, and 14 days. He knows me more than anyone in my life, with the possible exception of Johnathan, Johnathan knows who I was, which is helpful, but it can only explain a part of the person I am today. Tracy knows who I am which is why he is the most important person in my life. He can be so wonderful, but also frustrating. But I am sure he would same the same thing about me, and it’s true. I’m passive, too easily pleased by simple things. But both of these thoughts about myself can also be beneficial traits. So, it really is about balance.
Having good balance is so important in your life to ensure your well-being. Very few people ever master this concept, but you would be very strong, resilient to all the problems we face in this life, if you achieved true balance. I try…that’s why I eat healthy and why I do yoga. That’s not the whole truth about yoga though. Yoga makes me feel good, it makes me feel strong. It also makes my body look the way I want it to. I like my muscles, I like my flexibility. I like the feeling of challenging myself to be better every time I do yoga. And to indulge my vain side, I do it because it makes my body look hot and sexy. A few weeks ago, Tracy and I hooked up with another couple, Josh and David. They are from out of town and met while they were in the circus, so both have nice bodies. But they were both blown away by Tracy and I (and how we keep in shape). We ended up messing around a bit, but nothing more than making out and blow jobs. Otherwise, I just fucked Tracy in front of them. Which confirms another fact about me! I’m an exhibitionist. I like showing off my body. That’s why I like going to bathhouses. That why I wanted to do more pictures of me on Manhunt. That’s why I’ve sent Tracy many sexy photos. What I take away from the hookup is that I am still more attracted to Tracy than anyone else, and that I got off more on hooking up with him at Steam (the night before Josh and David), than the actual hookup. So yeah, I like to show off. And there is certainly nothing wrong with that!”
So, what is the point of this post? Why have I spent close to 1000 words telling you that I didn’t really journal too much as a child or young adult?
Because keeping a journal is important.
In my own life, it has helped me to process events, formalize beliefs, and stay centered in what is truly important. It can also do the following –
- Boost your mood/affect
- Enhance your sense of well-being
- Reduce symptoms of depression before an important event (like an exam)
- Reduce intrusion and avoidance symptoms post-trauma
- Improve your working memory
https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/benefits-of-journaling/
For me personally, it has also been important to have a pattern in how I start each journal (I’m now on my fourth since February 2018). When I start a new journal, I include the following in the front cover (these have grown over time).
- My Truth – God doesn’t just accept homosexuals; God CREATES homosexuals and calls them to relationship with Him, just like all other people
- My Names – Derek Michael Shaw, “Gifted Ruler”, The Dreamer, The Peacemaker, Truth-Seeker, Homosexual Christian
- My Passions – Faith, Relationships, Sexuality
- My Life Verse – 1 Peter 5:6-7 “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you
- My Statement – This is my story, a story about love, hope, and accepting yourself for who God made you to be!
- My Playlists – Apperception II (July 2018), Apperception III (August 2018), ReDefined (September 2018)
Here are my latest two journals so you can see the front cover pages (this is where my tattoo image also came from).
These pages show an understanding of who I am, what is important to me, and they help to recenter me as I start a new journal entry. But just as important is what is written AFTER these pages, because those record the ups and downs 0f my life, the amazing coincidences and painful experiences of my journey.
I can be honest in my journal. I use it to record hopes, dreams and prayers. I express gratitude in my journal, because ALL of us should be extremely grateful for what we have and what we are able to experience in this day and age. Libraries, TV, and the Internet all allow us to enter new worlds and experience new ideas. We have a plethora of choice and even people on a very limited income can use and experience things that most people throughout history would have seen as “magic”.
And so I urge you to keep a journal. In less than 5 or 10 minutes a day, you can create a record of yourself on a page, one that you can choose to share or keep completely private. You can get to a healthier place in your heart and mind, and have a reminder of how blessed you truly are.
Thank you for tuning in. Here’s your song reward. It’s one of the two Christian songs included on the ReDefined playlist for this month – Heaven on Earth by Stars Go Dim. It is my prayer for my life and my future, as well yours!
“I’ve been asleep
Head in the sand
Watching the time just ticking
Clock runs around
Days in and out
Can’t really call it living
Somewhere I let light go dark
But here’s where my new story starts…
Help me move when I should move
Help me rest when I should rest
Help me give what I should give
All of me, nothing less
Help me speak with grace and truth
Help me fight for those who can’t
Help me love the way You love
Never holding nothing back”