If you’ve been following along with my blog, you’ll remember that my third post blog post had a title image of my one and only tattoo. You may also have noticed it as the image displayed by the site title in your browser or tab. Here is the meaning behind it…

I got inked a week before I left for New Zealand, but I had wanted to get a tattoo for quite a while. My main reason for not getting one sooner – I didn’t know what image would be meaningful to me for the rest of my life. I always thought tribal tattoos were cool, or maybe Japanese Kanji, however, nothing ever felt quite right. But something miraculous happened in my life on February 4th, 2018. It was the first time that I drew that image in my journal, and I knew that image would be meaningful to me for the rest of my life.

If you have read My Story (my personal autobiography written earlier this year), you’d also recognize this image, this union of 3 white triangles and 1 black triangle. It ends My Story, but it also begins the rest of my life, because I’ve been restored in my relationship with God, and I have a renewed desire for connection to the Divine. I had re-encountered the God of the Universe, the Creator Being, my Savior. And on Feb 4, 2018 (also Super Bowl LII), the Holy Trinity gave me an absolute truth about the universe and revealed my 3 passions.

The absolute truth I received broke down a spiritual wall I had constructed at age 21, when I accepted that I had exclusive homosexual attraction but felt excluded from the Christian community because of it. From age 21 to age 37, I couldn’t figure out how to be fully Christian and fully homosexual. They seemed so opposed to each other. Christianity is about following Christ, minimizing yourself and your desires, while Homosexuality for me (and sexuality in general) embraces a deep and fundamental part about yourself, who you find attractive and who you love. It also defines major portions of your life, as you select your partner and (hopefully) enter into a life-long partnership. And since homosexuals couldn’t legally get married until marriage equality was passed in 2015, I didn’t know how to find or keep a life-long, committed homosexual Christian partner. And so, I buried my spirituality and pursued earthly love like everyone else around me…

On February 4th, God showed me that The Divine not only accepts my homosexuality and loves me regardless of who I am attracted to, but God also CREATED me as a homosexual. This had profound implications for me. I had often heard churches say they were “gay-affirming” or “accepting” but I don’t remember hearing too many churches say that God was actually creating homosexuals. But on that day, that’s what God confirmed.

GOD CREATES HOMOSEXUALS!

And with that one simple truth, a wall I had created and held in my life for 16 years came tumbling down. The most interesting thing was that I never wanted to change that part of myself, my homosexuality. Why would I want to change something that I didn’t fully understand. I felt that if you changed that part of me, I would no longer be Derek Shaw. But I also could never figure out WHY I was homosexual. I wasn’t abused, I didn’t have any sexual trauma as a kid, and I even grew up in a Christian home with grandparents and parents praying over my life from the day I was born. And if all that was going into my life, what did it mean that I was a homosexual, and had always been homosexual?

My parents, my older brothers and their wives, and many friends from Wheaton College tell me that I am still sinning for desiring a homosexual relationship. In their minds, there is something sinful, something born of the fall and the devil in homosexuality. But that’s not what God told me, and I believe God and not the church that has often been on the wrong side of issues throughout history, often using the Bible itself to support their views.

Whew! That was quite an intro. But thanks for staying with me.

I started this post saying my tattoo has importance in my past, present, and future. So here we go…

My Past – This image is tied to Feb 4, 2018, and the three points of the triangle represent my 3 passions.

• Faith – a connection to the Divine, believing in something bigger than yourself.
• Relationships – a connection to each other, believing that besides God, other humans are the most important things around us.
• Sexuality (formerly Homosexuality) – a connection to yourself and a partner, believing that we are at our best when we are in a consensual, committed, loving, monogamous relationship with another human.

It now made sense to me why I wasn’t ever passionate about business, lending, budgets or making money, even though my degree was in Business/Economics and my successful career had been in finance and accounting. It made sense why I wanted to be an RA, ARD, and Hall Director, even though those jobs also burned me out.

Now I am in the process of discovering how I can continue to follow these passions into my next career. I’m currently thinking about a masters degree in Counseling or Family Therapy, which I know will bring me more joy and fulfillment than any of my previous jobs.

My Present – Before I got my tattoo on August 13, 2018, I had already taken the meaning of the image one step further. Because it didn’t just represent my passions at the tips, but it represented what I wanted for the rest of my life, and the tattoo now serves as a reminder of that desire.

• The center, black triangle represents me – my sinful, broken self. I want LESS of that in my life – less of my pride, anger, jealousy, fear, lust, anxiety – less of my sin. And so it points outward, away from my heart.
• The 3 triangles surround me represent the Holy Trinity – the perfect union of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit (Breath) – I want MORE of that in my life – more Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, Self-Control. And so they surround me and point towards my heart.

My Future – My tattoo also expresses the dream of a family, specifically a partner and two children. And when those individuals are added to my life, they each get to choose a color for one of the triangles that surround my black triangle. While those triangles represent the Holy Trinity, they also represent the family that I will create, by choosing a partner who will love God and me just like I will forever love Him and him.

By having children, we can both pour our love, wisdom, and life into the most incredible gifts in the world. Because children ARE incredible. Jesus himself said that the Kingdom of God belongs to children. I was so happy being able to care for my 2-6 month old niece this summer in Montana. And I can’t wait to be a father myself.

 

Super Bonus Hidden Meaning!!! – There’s a bonus meaning to the placement of my tattoo. As I was getting needle strike after needle strike into my arm and wrist, I was reflecting on God’s ultimate sacrifice on the cross. They say that Jesus had His hands and feet pierced by nails, and He is typically shown with nail scars in His palms. But actually, He would have been pierced in His wrists, as the nails would have been better able to hold up His weight on the cross. And so, my tattoo occurs in the same place that Jesus was crucified. I was able to have a profound spiritual experience while receiving this tattoo/this pain. Because if God endured the pain and agony of the cross, I could endure tattoo pain showing how much I wanted The Divine in my life.

I hope you’ve enjoyed learning about my tattoo. I leave you with a song from Apperception III.

I like to think that Jesus is singing this song to me when I listen to it – because He died for me, and for you, and for all of us…