I’ve been contemplating this post for several weeks. I wanted to post it before I left the States, but I really wasn’t sure how to express myself honestly while also keeping the tone of this message positive and kind. Because, this past summer, I saw how WE, as a community, as a society, and as the most intelligent species in the Universe, have continued to treat people negatively and unkindly. To say I’m disappointed in humanity is appropriate, even as I recognize the inherent beauty and worth of the people around me. So, I am writing this post because I am passionate about relationships, and I want ALL OF US to have better relationships with those we profess to call friends.
Before I continue though, let’s make sure we are all on the same page with the word “friend”. It has many uses in our current day and age, but none so ubiquitous as making “friends” on Facebook (currently over 1 billion users). This is how people often view friendship these days. Something you can easily request and accept or deny; Something to observe, comment on, or “like”. However, Webster’s dictionary defines a friend as, “one attached to another by affection or esteem”, and it has its roots in Indo-European languages.
Old English frēond, of Germanic origin; related to Dutch vriend and German Freund, from an Indo-European root meaning ‘to love’
The root of friendship is “to love”, which implies that love is an action/decision and not a feeling. Therefore, I take friendship quite seriously. Maybe a little too seriously for my own good, but I’d rather do that than treat it too flippantly.
And so here is what I experienced. Many of you weren’t good friends to me this summer, whether that was on my roadtrip in March, my time in my hometown of Billings, MT, or my three trips to Portland, OR, the place where I fell in and out of love. I’m not going to mention anyone’s name, and maybe you don’t even think this post applies to you, but I hope you are open to what I have to say.
If you made it into my iPhone contact list, I consider you a friend. Now, friendship is a continuum, just like most things in our universe, so I am naturally closer to some of you than others. But, I know for a fact that I called almost every single phone number in my phone book at least twice this summer. Some numbers I called MANY more times than that, but I reached out to over 120 individuals in my contact list this summer.
Some of you responded. You opened up your homes to me, you opened up your minds to my book, and you were there for me to help me process my divorce, my rediscovery of God, and my future plans. Thank you for proving me wrong – for proving that there is still kindness, goodness, and decency in this messed-up world.
But, I was surprised and disappointed by the overwhelmingly number of un-returned calls and voicemails, texts that never received a response, and outright avoidance of spending time with me or seeing me when I was in the place you live. Maybe you didn’t feel that you were avoiding me or that it wasn’t a big deal to return a voicemail. It actually was.
Several times this summer, I contemplated suicide. Honestly, Totally, Completely. Because when you are, at best, a marginal priority in every single person’s life around you, you feel overwhelmingly alone. When you firmly declare yourself to be a “Homosexual Christian”, you feel like an oxymoron, or maybe just moronic for thinking those two words belong together. And you start to feel a little crazy to keep following up, to keep trying to connect, to keep caring when it is obvious that the person on the other end doesn’t have the desire/energy/time to respond. Alone, self-critical, and slightly crazy is not a good combination…
Why didn’t I do it? What stopped me from taking my own life?
It wasn’t just one thing, and it didn’t happen overnight. For starters, it was slowly realizing that I was just as much the problem as all of you, but for very different reasons. You were the problem for ignoring me, for seeming like you didn’t care and for not responding to me reaching out to you. Many of you even promised to help me, to be there, only you weren’t. Others said you wanted to meet me, hear my story, and hang out, but we never actually did.
I was the problem for expecting too much, for thinking I DESERVED a response, and for being affected by your non-response. I was also the problem for being “confrontational”, for talking in “angry” tones, and for “telling you what to do”. I get it, I’m an intense, boundary-pushing INFJ peacemaker that has mommy and daddy issues. And at the end of the day, I’m still just a homosexual that is longing for the acceptance and understanding of his family. But longing for connection and attachment isn’t a problem, it’s a God-given desire that is imprinted on every human being.
Also to be completely honest, I was liberally using marijuana all summer long, although I am now 3 days out from having any marijuana, and I don’t have any withdrawal or addiction issues. But I’m sure that colored some of my experiences with you. I won’t seek it out here in NZ, and I truly believe it helped me more than hurt. Because it helped to distract me from some of the pain, while also helping me to feel it more deeply.
But the biggest reason of why I am still here today is the same reason that it’s always been – because of the Holy Trinity. I have faith in a Creator that actually cares for Her creation, A Creator that is evident and loving, a Being that can bring good out of intense sorrow. I’ve personally experienced God numerous times this summer. And I want to be around to continue to experience God. Because I believe there is a lot more good for ALL OF US out there.
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If there is one thing I want you take away from this post, it is to be more connected to the PEOPLE around you. Call someone you haven’t heard from in a while, find out what is happening in their story, and share your story with them. Make time for people, especially people who live in the same town as you. Show patience, kindness, and goodness as you walk through life. And if someone leaves you a voicemail or sends you an email – RETURN IT. You don’t know what they are going through on the other end of that message.
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As for me, I need to say good-bye for now. I’m going to be disconnecting a bit from direct social media involvement and from contacting you via text, email, iMessage, etc. It’s nothing personal, I just want to focus on my faith and perception as I live out this adventure/vision quest/mid-life crisis. I’ll still document it on this blog (which will post to Facebook and Instagram), on my Spotify playlists, and in my personal journal (which may just end up in My Story Vol. 2).
And so I say Good-bye friend. Whether it is “See You Soon”, “Farewell”, or “Good Riddance” is up to you…
Thank you for reading to the end of this post. As a token of my appreciation, I leave you with a song that was on the initial Apperception playlist for June 2018. It is just one of the many songs that God used in my life this summer to give me hope, joy, and a purpose.
Derek Michael Shaw
https://www.facebook.com/derekmshaw